Scholarships and School

The last few weeks have been crazy weird. We had been told that Chris's job would pay for my tuition after a year, but found out that the information we were given was wrong and that they would only cover my tuition after TWO years. To top it off, we found out that I lost both of my scholarships - one because I submitted my fafsa too late, and the other because my gpa dropped less than .1 below what it was. This caused for a couple anxiety ridden days of panicking and trying to figure it all out. I still get a small amount of pell grants, so we decided that I will continue going to school, but only part time (6 credits) instead of the more than full time load (14 credits) that was required for my scholarships. As we made this decision, the anxiety started to subside and we eventually felt a lot of peace, and even excitement about our decision. I can continue my education while having enough time to be with my kids and focus on what is most important. The thought of making a little bit of money even crossed my mind, but I pushed it away because there is no way I want to work outside of home, leaving my sweet babies more than I already have to.

So we solidified our plan, each of us will take 6 credits a semester, Chris will work full time, and we will both be able to spend time with our family. It's going to take a bit longer to graduate, but we are still working towards it, and that's what matters, right? After graduation...? Who knows... maybe we'll stay here, maybe we'll go to grad school, maybe we'll move on. WHO KNOW?! We'll figure it out as it comes. For now, I am happy with the less stressful way of life we have chosen.

Pregnancy... Well... Sucks

I have A LOT to catch up on, but that is just going to have to wait. My husband and son are taking a nap right now, and I couldn't sleep. I don't want to clean. I don't want to craft. All I can think about is my belly. This is going to sound so incredibly stupid, I know it. But since this blog is a sort of journal for myself, I want to remember this.

I remember being hot and miserable when I was pregnant with Taysom. And I even remember crying about stretch marks and feeling unattractive and worrying about the weight I was gaining. But I also remember loving my belly. When I would get dressed in my new pregnancy clothes, I felt CUTE. Up until the day I delivered, you couldn't tell I was pregnant from behind or straight on. I carried him all in the front. I was excited for those things. I have been looking forward to my cute baby bump and the pregnancy clothes, and everything.

24 weeks and 4 days with Taysom. (2014)

I have already explained how different this pregnancy has been. I didn't feel her for the longest time and have been in so much pain and have been so sick. I lost a ton of weight, and even though I have gained it back, I am currently sitting at the weight I was at before I found out I was pregnant. That's great, right? Except for the part where I feel fat. I feel that I gained nothing in my belly, but a ton in my face and hips. I don't feel pretty. I don't feel cute. And I DEFINITELY don't feel sexy. I remember feeling that way in front of the mirror with Taysom, but I would dress up and be fine. I dress up now and it just makes me MAD! I am breaking out so bad. I feel disgusting wether I wear makeup or not. I feel... gross.

When expressing some of these concerns to my doctor, he said "when people say that you are glowing, they really mean that you have excess blood flow to your face and you look like crap!" This was his way of trying to comfort me and assure me that it is totally normal. But I mean, seriously? I  really want to enjoy this time, but I am finding it so hard.

For a little comparison, here is a photo of me at 24 weeks and 4 days with my first pregnancy and another photo at 24 weeks and 6 days with this pregnancy.

Pregnancy #1 VS #2

I don't have a huge baby bump. Noone can even tell that I am pregnant. They just think I've gained weight. I don't feel cute, just fat. Yeah, I know, this is part of having babies. It's life! But next time I am 'pregnancy hungry' and think that it's all peaches and sunshine, I want to remember this feeling. Cause.. well.. it freaking sucks....

On a much happier note. I love that I can now feel the baby move. It gives me a warm reassurance. As far as we know, she is healthy as can be. Her heart beat is great. I have my glucose test in a few weeks and the doctor wants to do another ultrasound just to make sure everything is alright. Nothing is wrong, our last ultrasound was just a bit early. Despite my body image issues, I am very happy that this little girl is healthy and am so excited for her to join our family. It really is amazing how she has already integrated herself into our family even though she's not even here yet. We really are a family of 4 now.